Modern Parenting: Everything, everywhere, all at once

Unlike years past, these days parenting is nothing less than a challenge. Bringing up a child or two or more is not only stressful but extremely demanding. Only because it is no longer about just raising the kids, but also about protecting them from the dangers that lurk in the modern world of which technology is a big part. Parents are trying to make the most out of a hyper-competitive world, increasing academic pressures, financial inequalities and the looming spectre of social media that dictates unrealistic ideals. 

While a lot of parents of today, like you and me will not remember how involved our parents were in our lives, given the fact that they had a multitude of things to take care of with not so many of the benefits that we are blessed (or cursed) with today. Also, if the mothers were not working, then the duties at home and work were clearly segregated between the two parents. And each did a remarkably good job of it, without us as children feeling that we were being watched by drones all the time.

According to Kaveree Bamzai, Indian journalist and author of the best-selling parenting book, No Regrets: The Guilt-Free Woman's Guide to a Good Life, “Today, we live in such a competitive environment that our expectations from our children have been raised beyond measure. We want them to be global CEOs, Olympians, and start-up Czars… no one looks at children as independent creatures but as products. It is therefore not sustainable.”

For children of the 80s, as I am, childhood was an easy affair with not too many choices for entertainment but we got by and though the parents were around, they didn’t breathe down heavily on our necks.

It was a far, far simpler time.
 
Circa 2023. Welcome to the age of intensive, relentless, hard, perfectionist parenting where not only are (in some cases) both parents juggling jobs, but they also want to indulge in a lot of ‘drone’ parenting that basically means they want to be everywhere with everything, all at once. They want their careers to be on the upswing, their marriages to be rock solid, their children to be perfectly turned out, in appearances and in grades and be the perfect kid that they possibly never aspired to. And they are willing to go that extra length, even when it is a reality that raising a child these days to the ideals that one aspires to, can cut a hole in the pocket, and very deep too.

I raise my hands. Guilty too.

As a parent of two children now, one at 9 and the other a burly teenager at 16, life couldn't get tougher.  As they say, every pro has a con and with progress comes a host of other issues too. So if we have childcare today, which previously wasn’t the case, then opting for childcare is an expensive one and if studies are to be believed, today mothers (fathers too if they are the primary caretaker) spend just as much time with their kids as those in our times, as a stay at home mom did. 

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Why? Because they are too invested in their children.

Coming to expenses, schools are now doubt getting better and better with some schools even being compared to the best Ivy League institutions in the world today. But all that comes for a price too. So to meet the costs of school and even higher education, parents have to shell out so much more. Whoever said parenting is all about joy, clearly forgot these practical basics.

And of course, along with the basic education that parents have to ensure their children get, there are a host of extra activities that one has to invest in. If you didn’t think of giving your child music lessons or craft lessons or art lessons or the millions of other activities that are supposed to assist in the child’s all-round development, then be prepared to face the barrage of guilt that will strike you, sooner or later.

Keeping up with friends, neighbours, and strangers even is the thing. One that may take the wind out of your sails or not.

Pressure on the kids, Pressure on the parents. How did we come to this stage?

Tanya Sen, 35, mother to 8-year-old Utkarsh says she was non-conformist initially with her parenting, thinking that she would do it in a much different way than what she saw her mother had done. “I felt my own mother or parents were uninvolved so I chose to be more involved but now I think there’s a lot of pressure and I find myself getting overwhelmed. There seems to be no escape from the over-involved parenting most of us do.”

Relentless, intensive parenting seems to be the mantra of modern parents. We are making extra efforts to be around for them all the time despite our crazy work schedule and missing any PTM is sacrilege! We are making sure they're eating right, studying right, mixing with the right social circle, going to the best schools and getting good grades too. And we are trying to make sure technology doesn’t take over their lives.

A report in pyschcentral.com says that parental pressure may come from good intentions, but it can hamper a child’s self-esteem. It says that though you think that your own choices can make their lives easier, more successful, or earn the admiration of other parents in your circle, it doesn’t always work out well. Whatever your motives, the pressure you put on your child can be devastating to them and hurt your relationship, as well. 

Another 2020 study by the NCBI says the high value of academic stress is associated with a reduction in mental health. There was a direct and indirect relationship between academic stress and mental health through the self-concept. At the school level, only family conditions and stress had a relation with mental health. Academic self-efficacy showed no .significant relation in the model. It concluded that stress from the family is the most important source of stress associated with adolescent mental health. 

Intensive parenting may have its advantages as some children do go on to be very successful but they can also be overwhelmed and underachievers because of the constant pressure from parents who want their kids to do better than them in life.

The contradiction arises from the fact that parents today are finding it tougher to raise kids because of the way we are wired to raise them as against the world we are living in that has so many challenges. New research from the American Psychological Association says that rising parental expectations and criticism are linked to an increase in perfectionism among college students, which can have damaging mental health consequences.

What is the remedy? 

Slow down. Stop the guilt and slow down from constantly hovering over them, constantly thinking that your children are supposed to be the best and going after it with a manic passion. Psychologist, family therapist, Happiness and Mindfulness Coach Karishma Mehra says, “Parenting has become the toughest thing these days. There are so many fears and so many thoughts and loading one’s own aspirations and ambitions, that one doesn’t realise when it becomes a point of validation instead of simple family life as it should be!”

Sometimes not doing too much can actually be a good thing. Just let the kids be.

As the former first lady of the US, Michelle Obama, also an author and attorney, put it: “Motherhood has taught me that, most of the time, my job is to give them the space to explore and develop into the people they want to be. Not who I want them to be or who I wish I was at that age, but who they are, deep inside."

Disclaimer: The views of the writer do not represent the views of WION or ZMCL. Nor does WION or ZMCL endorse the views of the writer.

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